


Peter Is No One's Daddy

by Monna99



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-21 21:29:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7405543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monna99/pseuds/Monna99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter gets pregnant. To no one's surprise, it's Drax's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mmm, I'm kinda just dipping a toe into this fandom :D

" _Why_ would you consult some crazy witch doctor?"

Drax frowned. "She is a highly reputed magus who has assisted males and females in conception-" He stopped abruptly when Peter groaned and gripped his head.

"Are you ailing?" Drax queried, concerned. "According to the magus, you should feel no ill effects from the Grovan preparation for fecundity.”

"Oh God."

"I am given to understand prayer is quite common in instances of male impregnation," Drax said in approval. 

Peter gaped. He could not, for the life of him, find what to freak out over first. He should be (rightfully so) in hysterics, not calmly sitting down to a strangely glowing blue drink that he hoped contained enough alcohol to make him forget the last fifteen minutes altogether. The witch had taken one look at his face and beat a quick retreat. She understood Peter wanted nothing to do with pregnancy - his or anyone else’s - but Drax hadn’t caught on yet. 

A heavy hand landed on his shoulder, stopping the upward movement of his arm and - more importantly - of the pretty blue drink. 

“Mind altering substances are detrimental in human pregnancy,” Drax stated. As though Peter didn’t fucking know that. As if everybody in every last goddamn galaxy EVER didn’t fucking know that. And that was it. That was all the crazy he could take for one goddamn day. He exploded out his chair, the metal frame scraping back as he shoved (tried to shove) Drax away from him. Christ, the guy was like a goddamn mountain of muscle. 

“I don’t fucking want to be pregnant!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. “Where the hell did you get the stupid, stupid idea that I want to have a baby?! Are you fucking crazy? Crazier than usual?” Okay, maybe he was (rightfully) a little hysterical. He was still the sane one in this conversation … err, yelling match. Except, Drax hadn’t yelled, he was looking at Peter in pity. 

“There is no need to feel embarrassed at your wish to have offspring,” he said soothingly. “I have many a time heard you exclaim from your bedroom when in the company of women ‘Come to me, baby!’ and ‘Daddy loves you.’ I understand it must have distressed you a great deal that none of those women have wanted to bear your children. Now you have no need of them.”

Peter’s jaw dropped. A second later he fell back in his chair and gripped his head again. He could almost hear Drax’s bemusement. Drax thought … Peter tried to stifle his laughter but that only made it worse, making him choke.

“My friend?” Drax asked in alarm.

And Peter couldn’t hold it in any longer and his laughter burst from him. He gripped his sides and let his head bang against the table.

“Are you … happy?” Drax asked tentatively, mulling over the word as though tasting it.

It only made Peter laugh harder until he was coughing and then Drax was pounding on his back, effectively shutting him up.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Yes,” Drax said, seeming relieved that Peter had finally grasped the concept.

“Pregnant.” Peter repeated.

The big, green idiot was starting to look worried again. “Yes, it means-”

“I know what the hell it means, you big, green idiot!”

Drax reared back offended. “I am no idiot. You are the idiot. You cannot understand that you are pregnant.”

Peter gaped. Really, his jaw was starting to hurt. “Who’s the father?” He blurted, then could have kicked himself. “I mean, goddamn it, who the hell else donated genes for this to happen? That goddamn witch said no women were involved and this isn’t a clone, so that means another guy, right? Was it just some random asshole? Or penis? Some random penis?” Peter closed his lips tightly before he started laughing again. He might not stop this time. 

Drax straightened to his full height. “I would not have allowed you to bear the child of some unknown deviant. I, of course, donated my sperm.”

Peter’s jaw was seriously going to come unhinged. “You,” he managed, strangled.

“Well, neither Groot nor Rocket are compatible-”

“Jesus Christ!”

“You pray a lot. Anyway, Gamora, being female, could not donate sperm.”

“Oh, God!”

Drax sat down at the table again somewhat hesitantly. “I will wait until you finish your prayer.”

Peter gripped his head. He was a Star-Lord. He could not be pregnant. Seriously, it was physically impossible. These witches and their fucking magic ruining perfectly good reality. He really shouldn't have chased that witch out before finding out all the gritty details. Did he have a goddamn uterus, now? His dick was still attached, thank the stars. The second he was alone he was damn well gonna make sure it was still in perfect working order. 

Loudly. On Drax’s bunk. It would serve the bastard right. Hell, Drax could even watch. Lately, Peter had sorta been wondering what the rest of him looked like. If he was … proportional. Peter swallowed. Okay, time to cut those thoughts off right now. 

“I need to talk to that witch.” Peter stood, resolute. “She needs to undo whatever the hell she did to me.” He pointed a menacing (if shaking) finger at Drax’s disapproving expression. “Not. One. Word. You got me into this mess, you’re helping to get me out. Now, where do we find her?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god it's been over a year! I'm so sorry!! i will fling myself into the void in shame ... at some point ;D
> 
> Seriously, sorry for how stupidly late this is, but here it is for the peeps who requested more ... hope late is better than never and thank you so much for all the lovely comments

“I swear that if any of you knew what he was up to and didn’t say anything, or do anything to stop him ...” Peter stared hard at each and every single one of them. Well, except Groot. No way Groot had known. Right? He turned back to stare hard at Groot. 

Rocket held up both paws. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait.” He cleaned out his ears. “Okay, run that by me again. You’re what?”

Gamora stood. “He said that he is pregnant because of Drax’s insanity. I warned you that this would happen.”

“Y-you,” Peter sputtered. “Are you serious? I’m sorry, at what point did you warn us that Drax would hire a witch to impregnate me? I must have missed that meeting.” 

“I am Groot.”

“Yes, that’s what she said. Quill is-” Rocket’s eyes widened. “Holy shit.” He turned to look at Peter, then lowered his gaze to his stomach, aghast. “You’re pregnant?”

Groot perked up.

Peter only barely managed to stop himself from placing a protective hand over his belly. That would have been stupid. He was not protective of a cluster of cells. “Not for long,” he said grimly. “We need to figure out how to put me back to normal, a.k.a. not pregnant.”

“I am Groot,” Groot said dejectedly.

“I am not keeping it! This was nothing but a malicious attack on my body.”

Rocket’s ears dropped dispiritedly. 

So did Peter’s mouth. “What the hell is wrong with you two? You cannot seriously think in a million years that a child in this setting - a child I do not want and whose welfare I would be directly responsible for, I might add - is a good idea.” He turned to Gamora. Good old Gamora, she could get them to see reason.

Only she wouldn’t meet his gaze and shrugged. 

“You’re joking.” Peter stood, incensed. “You know what? I came to you guys for a little support, not to be made to feel like a turd on someone’s cheese stick. I’m out of here.”

It made him feel good for all of two seconds to stomp out of there, but there was nowhere to go on the tiny ship. He ended up back on his bunk. 

A moment later Gamora knocked on the steel frame of the entrance. “Are you okay, Peter?”

“Oh, sure. My friends are dicks, but what else is new.”

She was silent. 

“They’re as crazy as Drax,” he finally exploded, unable to stand the quiet. “I can’t believe they’re actually guilt-tripping me for not giving birth to a magical baby I never asked for.”

Gamora looked away. After a moment she said, “Thanos calls me his daughter, but all I have ever been to him is a weapon.” She paused, clutching at her arms. “Weapons feel nothing. They merely need upkeep and their value lies in their ability to perform.” 

She said it unemotionally and Peter started to get a very bad feeling. He reached out and grasped her hand. She was shaking.

“I have been cybernetically enhanced multiple times and I have endured torture as well. Various parts of my body have been removed, others replaced,” she continued mechanically.

Oh, Jesus.

“I am not able to bear children, Peter.”

“I’m sorry, Gamora.” He stood and pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry.”

She pushed him away gently and shook her head. “I do not know if I would have wanted children had my life been different, but that decision has forever been stolen from me.”

Peter nodded dumbly.

“I only tell you this because I think you’ve misunderstood our reactions.” She sat on his bunk and pulled him down next to her. “Peter, I’m sorry we were not supportive the way you needed. And I wish to explain.”

“Don’t apologize, Gamora. I’m the one who’s sorry. I overreacted anyway.”

“You did not.” She took a deep breath. “Peter, neither Rocket or Groot ever thought about a possibility of progeny. I don’t think any of us considered children to be in our futures, so when you told us of your pregnancy, I believe their only thought was amazement that our little family would have a child.”

He swallowed hard. “Oh.”

She smiled sadly. “I only say this so you will forgive us for failing to see this through your eyes. Of course you did not wish for this, and it is understandable that you want to remedy the situation. We will help however you need.”

Peter cleared his throat. “Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, Gamora.”

“We’re family, Peter,” she said kindly.

 

 

“Oh, sorry there, Quill,” Rocket said loudly, as he bumped into Peter. 

Groot was right behind him and he reached out a “steadying” hand that landed on his chest.

“No, no, you idiot. The baby’s in his stomach.” Rocket sighed in exasperation. “You’re touching the wrong spot.”

Peter cleared his throat loudly. 

“Heh. Hey, Quill.” Rocket smiled innocently. And unconvincingly. 

Yes, this was Peter’s new reality. He’d been pinching himself daily for the past three weeks hoping it was all just an awful nightmare. “You’re not being subtle.”

“Well, you won’t let us touch the baby when we ask!”

“Stop calling it a baby.”

“I am Groot!”

Peter sighed and patted Groot on the shoulder. “You can’t get attached, buddy. We get to Orus tomorrow. I’m getting rid of it. No more baby, get it?”

Groot and Rocket were silent. 

Peter refused to feel guilty. It was shitty as hell that they were making him feel bad about making an obviously rational decision. He couldn’t really snap at them, though. He’d tried. It had gone a little like this …

_“Goddamn it! Have I not made it clear enough that this is a parasite? That’s all it is!” He slapped at Groot’s encroaching branch._

_“I am Groot,” Groot said tearfully._

_Like Peter didn’t already feel monstrous._

_“Nah, bud,” Rocket said. “Even if it got born, we can’t touch babies. The humies think they’re precious, so they don’t let freaks like us touch them.”_

_“I am Groot!”_

_“You are too a freak. So am I. That’s why we ain’t never touched a baby, and we never will.”_

Yeah, it had gotten a little hard to breathe after that, and then Groot had walked away despondently. Rocket had shrugged at Peter. _He still ain’t used to being treated like garbage,_ he’d said and followed behind Groot.

So, yeah. He was keeping his fury contained until he could blow up properly at Drax. Which he couldn’t do now because the gigantic idiot had the gall to look devastated when Peter said he wasn’t keeping the thing planted inside him. They’d been avoiding each other ever since.

“This will change nothing.”

Peter spun around, hand already on his gun. Drax stood at his back, inches away. “How the hell-” Peter began, strangled. His heart was still somewhere in his throat. Sure they were alone in space, but that was no reason to sneak up on people. “I nearly shot you!”

Drax seemed to consider that. “Would that be enough for you to forgive me?”

“What?” Peter boggled. Was he ever going to have a conversation with Drax that he could actually follow?

“Gamora has kindly made me understand that I have done you a grievous injustice,” Drax explained, looking troubled. 

Right. More like she beat him over the head until it shook some sense loose.

“That was never my intention,” Drax continued. He stepped still closer, as silent as before. “I wished to give you the greatest gift that I myself ever received. I believed you wanted it as well. I see now, I was mistaken. I ask your forgiveness, friend.”

“What the hell is the matter with you?” Peter whined. “I have every right to be furious with you.”

“Yes?” Drax looked confused.

“Why the hell would you ruin that?”

“I don’t understand.”

Peter sighed, and the last of his frustration bled out. “I’m not angry with you, Drax. Although that apology was a touch condescending, in my opinion.”

“You are not upset?” Drax asked hesitantly. “I was given to understand-”

“I bet you were,” Peter huffed. “Look, big guy, you thought you were doing me a solid. I get that. In a twisted, unhealthy way, I almost appreciate it, but you understand that it’s not what I want. Right?”

“Yes.”

Yeah, that wasn’t grudging or anything. He rubbed at his eyes. “We get to Orus tomorrow. Why don’t we - I don’t know - take a nice vacation or something afterward? I think we all need it.”

“Vacation.” Drax repeated slowly. “That would involve … fun?”

“That’s generally the idea,” Peter agreed.

Drax threw his shoulders back - like he wasn’t imposing enough - and nodded. “If that punishment will suffice as satisfaction for the offense, I will smile through the torture.”

“Tor-torture?” Peter gaped. “It isn’t supposed to be-” He ran his hands over his head. “Oh hell, never mind. What did you mean, anyway? When you said this changed nothing?”

Drax shrugged. “Merely that your decision to reject my gift changes nothing between us. You are my friend, Peter. And I love you.”

“Ooookay.”

Drax nodded, satisfied. “You should rest, my friend. You may have a difficult day ahead of you tomorrow.”

 

From space, Orus looked like a tiny nondescript planet that was perfect for skeevy witches who did witchcraft for evil.

“She is not evil. I would not have our child be the product of evil. I kill evil.”

Peter groaned. “She put a uterus in me. That is the definition of evil!”

“I’m kinda with Quill on this one.” Rocket said, staring at the golden-lit streets with cobbled, glittering mosaic. “What kind of psycho likes this much color? Look. There’s a tiny rainbow in that pond!” He shook his head. “It’s not natural.”

“I am Groot.”

“No, you can’t drink the water. Who knows what this crackpot put in it.”

“Peter,” Gamora re-holstered her weapons after a final check, “I think we should wait for you here. It would not be wise for all of us to walk into a trap.”

Rocket waved a short-range, highly volatile explosive in the air that he called his bigboomstick. “We got you covered.”

“I am Groot.”

“Put that down. Just don’t touch anything.”

Peter grinned past the thundering of his pulse. “Thanks, guys. See you on the flip side.”

“I am coming with you.”

“It’s okay-”

Drax frowned. “I am coming with you.”

“It’s a good idea, Peter,” Gamora interrupted before it could turn into a full blown argument. “One of us should be there.”

Peter leveled Drax with a glare. “Fine, but you don’t get to talk, got it?” Peter waited. “Got it?” He asked again.

Drax glared. “You said not to talk.”

“What the hell-”

“Would you just get going already?” Rocket cried, exasperated. “Sometime before that kid is born.”

Peter flushed and turned away without a word. Drax fell into step beside him.

Truth was, he was glad to have the big man at his side. He didn’t trust this witch. She’d been all solicitous benevolence over the comms and if there was one thing Peter did not trust it was niceness. She wasn’t even charging them anything. There had to be something wrong with her.

They walked silently past luminescent butterflies that tried to land on him. Peter swatted at them ineffectually. 

Six feet short of the door, Drax stopped. 

“What’s the hold-up?” Peter asked, turning. 

Drax was quiet, his muscles so tense they bulged. He looked pale - which, how the hell did he even manage that? - and strained. His fists were clenched where he held them behind his back. Yeah, Peter could totally see that. 

He turned away. “Just wait here. I’ll make this quick.”

“Peter,” Drax blurted, like the couldn’t contain it, “wait.”

He kept walking. “No time, witch is waiting.”

“My daughter-” Drax stopped. 

Peter froze. _Oh, Christ_. He couldn’t hear this. This was categorically unfair. 

“I realize I have no right to influence your decision, I simply …”

No. No. Peter was doing this. He was going to walk in there and make that witch fix this. Riiiiiight now. Okay ... now. Now. 

Fuck. 

Drax walked up behind him, his bulk a comfort at his back. “I would not have you think that the choice to give you my sperm - to bring another life to this uncertain and unsafe world - was an impulsive one.” The big man placed his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “I meditated on the decision for months. Having lost one child already, I never thought to feel the desire for another. One loss was unbearable. Two would-” 

Peter heard Drax swallow and for the life of him, he couldn't speak past the lump in his own throat. He leaned back, and let Drax take his weight, let his head fall onto that wide shoulder.

“But I will admit I was selfish,” he continued roughly. “The thought of you bearing my child,” Drax murmured against Peter’s temple, “was my undoing. I want to see you swollen with my seed.” He placed a large, green hand over Peter’s flat belly and Peter exhaled roughly. “I want that so much.”

“Drax,” Peter groaned, torn. “I can’t. Jesus, I can’t, okay?”

“Peter-”

“No.” Peter untangled himself from Drax’s arms gently but inexorably. “No.”

He stepped forward just as the front door flew open. 

“Mr. Quill.” The witch smiled at them from her - Peter blinked - pink front room. Her smile dimmed as she took in their expressions. “My. Hmm. Come in.” She took them into a long hallway that opened into a kitchen overlooking a valley bursting with color. 

Peter shielded his eyes.

“I have your tea all ready.”

“Tea?”

Drax snatched it out of her hands before she could set it down, sniffed it, then took a sip. “It appears safe,” he declared, handing it to Peter.

“Of course it is.” She smiled at them some more and poured Drax a cup then sat with her own. “Please have a seat. I believe we need to talk.”

“All right, witch-”

“Please, call me Lorna.”

“I don’t think so.” Peter picked up his cup. “Is the tea to get rid of this thing?” He pointed towards his stomach.

She blinked. “Oh no, dear. That’s a lovely ginger tea. In your condition, it’s recommended.”

Peter took a breath to keep from strangling her. “I didn’t come here for tea,” he said through gritted teeth. “I came to get rid of the thing you put inside me. So, chop-chop. Get rid of it.”

Drax flinched. Peter refused to look at him.

Lorna stared at Peter. “You are still carrying.”

“That’s what I just said.”

The witch raised her eyebrow (things). She looked confused. “You say you do not want this child.”

“Yes! Are you deaf?”

“Then why are you still pregnant?”

Peter stood up in agitation. “Are you kidding me? I’m still pregnant because I don’t know how to get rid of it, it’s a goddamn magic baby!”

“You don’t wish for this child?”

“I swear to god, I will shoot you,” Peter said incensed. “I’ve already told you I don’t want the damned thing. You need to get it out of me.”

“I cannot,” she said simply.

Peter drew his weapon. 

A second later Drax snared it.

“What the hell are you doing?” he roared.

Drax was unmoved and tucked the gun into his own belt. “You should not be handling weapons in your condition.”

Peter’s patience (and possibly his sanity) snapped. “That is it. I am definitely shooting someone today. And I am starting with you,” he bit out, turning to the witch.

“Please, calm yourself. I believe there is a bit of a misunderstanding here. Have a seat.”

Peter stayed on his feet. “I came here for you to fix what you did to me.”

She sighed. “I realize that, but I cannot. The level of magic it takes to sustain a life in a man’s body is extremely powerful. The force at work is not mine alone. It is your life force, as well as your mate’s,” Peter refused to look at Drax, “that is protecting this new life.”

“Okay,” Peter said hoarsely. He was not liking the sound of this. “I want it gone. How do I make it stop?”

She smiled at him in pity. “Magic cannot be fooled.”

He paled. “No,” he croaked, although he didn't know why he bothered. Denying reality had never changed it.

Lorna stood and placed a bracing, maternal hand on his shoulder. “If you had truly not desired the child,” she said, and he already knew the rest, he knew, had known, “conception would not have been possible.”

He could feel Drax staring at him now, mute.

“If at any point since its conception, you had truly rejected this child, the spell would have been broken. You would no longer be pregnant.”

Peter dropped his head into his hands.

“What-” Drax sounded choked. “What does that mean?”


	3. Chapter 3

The walk back to the others was so silent Peter almost wished Drax would say something, but the man trailed behind as silent as a shadow. The only sound was the beat of the butterflies’ wings that circled his head. He was too disheartened now to swat at them.

All too soon, the ship came into view and he still had no idea how he was going to tell the others. 

Drax stopped just behind him, still not speaking. 

“Fuck it,” he muttered under his breath. “Let’s get this over with.”

Groot was outside tossing smooth, iridescent pebbles into the fountain near the ship. He looked up at Peter’s approach, gaze dropping to his belly then sighed, shoulders drooping.

Peter rolled his eyes. “Get the others, will you? I have to talk to all of you and I’d rather just do it once.”

“I am Groot.”

He rolled his shoulders trying to get rid of the tension building at the base of his neck. 

Drax’s hands settled on his shoulders and squeezed. Peter was too strung out to yell at him, and it wouldn’t have felt right anyway. He let his head fall forward instead, enjoying the strength in those blunt fingers. “So, assuming I don’t find a way to reject this kid like that bitch - I mean, witch - says I need to, this kid’s gonna be born.”

Drax’s fingers stilled. “Yes?” He sounded tentative.

“Well, it’s gonna be your kid too, not just mine,” he muttered.

“Right?”

“Oh Christ, you’re gonna me say it? Fine. Are you gonna help me raise the kid, or what?”

Drax was motionless behind him which did nothing for Peter’s anxiety levels. 

“We all set, Quill?” Rocket interrupted, hefting his gun. “That was quick.”

“Too quick,” Gamora interjected, eyes narrowing.

Peter stuck his hands in his pockets and stepped away from Drax. “I’m …” The words were there. They were on his tongue, but for the life of him, Peter couldn’t say them. “I’m …” He took a deep breath but that only made him feel lightheaded.

Gamora was starting to look worried. “If that woman did something,” she began darkly, hand going for her sword. 

“Quill is keeping the baby.” 

Peter turned to stare at Drax in disbelief. Okay, sure that got the message across, but it was a hell of a bomb to drop.

Groot’s branches perked up and he smiled excitedly, eyes shining. 

Rocket looked confused. “Then you do want the runt?”

“No!”

The raccoon gripped his head. “Did he, or did he not say, that you are keeping the thing in your stomach?”

“It’s not a thing!” Peter snapped, then pulled at his hair in frustration. “I mean, I don’t have a choice, okay? And for the last time, it’s not in my stomach.”

Gamora looked around, uneasy. “Get inside. We can discuss this without being so exposed.”

Peter threw up his hands and stomped inside. “Look,” he said, turning, once the ship door closed behind them, “she said I couldn’t get rid of it because …”

Drax studied him as he struggled for words and stepped forward. “Peter must hate the baby to get rid of it and he does not. He loves our baby.”

Peter’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! I don’t hate it, okay? But I don’t love it either!”

“But the witch said-”

“She said I needed to reject it or I can’t get rid of it.”

“Peter,” Gamora looked sorry for him. “That means you do want the child.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

Rocket crossed his arms. “Of course it does. Probably has to do with all those mommy and daddy issues you have.”

“Rocket, now is not the time-” Gamora began.

“So I’ve always wanted a family!” he exploded. “So what?! How the hell is it fair that this stupid spell is using that against me?” He paced, agitated.

“Calm yourself.” Drax put a heavy hand on his shoulder that bore him down. His knees buckled and he sat.

Jesus, the bastard was strong. He sighed. “Fine, you wanna hear about how pathetic I am? I always wanted a family, okay? Every night it was the one thing I would ask for. Every birthday I would wish for it.” His throat closed and he could not go on.

Rocket looked away, and Groot picked at his arms sadly. 

“That doesn’t mean,” he finally said with difficulty, “that I want to give birth to a kid.”

Drax still hadn’t moved his hand. It felt more like support now than restraint. “No one here thinks you are pathetic, Quill.” The big man sat next to him. “At least, not for wanting a family,” he amended.

Peter’s lips quirked in unwilling amusement. “Bastard.” He sighed. “So, yeah. Baby’s staying.”

“I am Groot,” Groot said, wonderingly. He stretched his arm and placed his hand on Peter’s stomach. 

Peter rolled his eyes but let him. 

“I am Groot.”

“No, you’re not gonna be Uncle Groot. You’re not human, don’t be stupid.” Rocket huffed.

“I am Groot!” he repeated stubbornly.

Peter’s shoulders slumped in defeat and he stopped kidding himself. He let the tiny tendril of hope, the sliver of happiness in his chest unfurl. Fuck it. They all deserved some happiness. “Of course you’re gonna be Uncle Groot, buddy. We’re a family, right?”

“What?” Rocket leaped forward, shoving Groot’s arm away. “If he gets to be Uncle Groot, then I’m gonna be his favorite Uncle Rocket.”

“I am Groot!”

“No, me! He’s gonna love me because I’m gonna let him play with all my awesome gadgets.”

Peter paled. “Rocket, there is no way in hell you’re letting my kid play with your toys.”

“He will be fine,” was Drax’s brilliant input. “My child will not fall prey to toys.” He sounded insulted. 

“Or she.” Gamora pointed out. Three pairs of terrified eyes turned her way and she smirked. “It could be a girl.”

Drax nodded.

“Oh, Jesus.” The hits just kept coming. Peter’s breathing sped up and he started hyperventilating. “Oh god. It might be a girl.”

“What are we supposed to do with a girl?” Rocket asked baffled. He thought for a moment. “I guess I can draw flowers on my stuff.”

Drax huffed in contempt. “Girls do not like flowers. They like power and darkness.”

Peter stopped hyperventilating to stare at Drax. “Uh. I guess you’re the only one of us with experience in that area. Did your daughter …”

The big man nodded proudly. “She loved to stare into the void. She said it was beautiful.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s one word for it. I would also add terrifying.”

“My daughter feared nothing.”

Rocket snorted a laugh. “See, Quill? Your kid’s gonna be fine.”

Peter opened his mouth but forgot whatever he’d been about to say a second later when the proximity alarms began blaring and he was thrown against Drax as the ship shook and shifted. “What the hell’s going on?” he yelled over the sound of metal screeching.

Groot caught Gamora and Rocket and set them down.

“Intruders?” Rocket pulled his heat signature reader and Gamora reached for her weapon.

“Protect Quill!” Drax yelled, drawing his short blades and shoving Peter behind him. 

Peter gaped. “Are you out of your-”

Groot picked him up and his branches began to encompass Peter from head to foot, a thick layer that was like being hugged by the husk of a tree.

“Groot, no! Let me out of here.” He grabbed his gun, but that was pure reflex. No way in hell was he shooting Groot.

“I’m not getting any readings.” Rocket’s voice was muffled. 

“Groot, let me out. They might need my help.”

“Groot, do not let him out.”

“Goddamn it, Drax!”

“The ship’s sensors aren’t picking up anything either.” Peter could barely make out Gamora’s voice.

He pushed against the branches but he wasn’t getting any leverage with so little room. “Groot, buddy. Come on, let me out.”

“I am Groot.” The voice seemed to be coming from all around him. He strained to see anything but there was barely any light coming through.

“Everyone outside!” 

“What’s going on? Groot let me go.” His fingers finally found a hold, a small gap between some branches that he worked his fingers into and pried open. He was able to get an arm free when suddenly the branches receded and he was yanked upright. “Thanks, Gamora.”

“We have a situation.”

“When the hell don’t we?” He turned to yell at Drax about being an idiot when he caught a glimpse of what they were dealing with. Peter stared. “Is that thing humping our ship?”

Rocket was laughing uproariously. 

Groot moved closer to the giant green vines. He looked enchanted with it, eyes wide and shining. “I am Groot.”

“Groot, stay away from that thing,” Gamora called.

Drax frowned, thoughtfully. “Maybe he can talk to the green thing.”

“It’s possible. He talks to you, after all,” Peter grumbled.

“It’s true,” Drax laughed. “I am green as well.”

It was a plant. Sort of. The freaking thing stood as big as the ship. A mammoth, jade green mass with vines as thick as two people. The alarms on the ship had died to a sad chirp, making the groan of metal that much clearer as the giant cabbage rutted against the tail-end of the ship, lying half on top of it. 

“If we don’t do something, that thing is going to flatten our ship.” Gamora stepped forward, sword glinting in the sunlight. 

“Shit!” Peter dove to his left as one of the vines raised and whipped through the air aimed at him. The thing landed within inches, leaving a three-foot crater where he’d been standing. “Little Shop of Horrors is not friendly. I repeat, it is not a friendly.”

Groot turned to look at the hole where Peter had stood then gave a shrill battle cry and launched his branches at the thing, impaling several of the green tentacles and tearing them off. He catapulted himself at it and began to pummel it viciously. “I AM GROOT!”

“Yes, kill it!” Drax charged at it, punching at it with his bare hands. “It was trying to hurt my mate!”

Gamora raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Did he say mate?”

Peter pretended not to hear.

“Oh now that stupid thing is in for it,” was Rocket’s helpful commentary. “No, no, Groot. I don’t think it was trying to hurt the baby. I don’t think it knows Quill is pregnant,” he yelled.

“A little louder, why don’t you?” Peter complained. “I don’t think the next galaxy heard you.”

“Focus, both of you. We need a plan of attack. ”

“You want a plan?” Peter raised his gun. “Quit standing around and kill it.”

“Solid plan, I like it.” Rocket pulled his pack open. “And I’ve got just the thing. Distract it for a second will you?”

“Guys, keep it busy,” he yelled, activating his thrusters. 

Rocket fired up his own boosters. “Anyone see a mouth on that thing?”

“I am Groot.”

“Great, toss this in there.” Rocket hurled the pack at Groot. 

Groot made a dash for the gap in the body of the plant when it gave one final heave and fell completely still. Groot stopped, looking confused.

“Oh no.” Peter cut the power to his thrusters. “Oh hell no. Please tell me that goddamn thing did not just spooge in my ship!”

Rocket craned his head, trying to see. “Ah, you want the good news or the bad news, Quill?”

“No news! I want no news.”

Rocket snickered. “It totally spooged on your ship.”

Drax started laughing, deep belly laughs that had him doubling over. 

Gamora’s lips twitched.

“Yuck it up, you a-holes, you’re gonna clean it up.”

Groot kicked a vine petulantly then joined the rest of them.

Peter rubbed hard at his eyelids until he was seeing spots. “Christ. Do you see this? How the hell are we going to raise a kid on a ship? On _this_ ship? We do crazy, dangerous crap all the time. You,” he said, pointing at the raccoon, “nearly set off a bomb last month doing your so-called experiments.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Rocket remembered, grinning. He shrugged. “You were raised on a crazy ship with Ravagers and you turned out okay.”

Gamora smiled. “He’s got a point, Peter.”

“Yeah, well, that’s ‘cause I’m a badass.”

“The kid’s gonna be the product of you and Drax,” Rocket reminded Quill. “You really think there’s any way in hell he won’t be?”

Peter looked at Drax and saw an answering grin on his face. He huffed. “I must be losing my mind because that’s actually a comforting thought.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it, Quill,” Rocket said, standing. “You didn’t have much of a mind to begin with.”

He gawked as the little raccoon chortled. “Good to know we’re still besties.”

“Always, Quill.”

Peter grinned, fiercely, then he looked at the blob that now resembled a mashed, boiled cabbage and sighed. “We still need to get the damned thing off our ship. Can we blow it up?”

“I think it already blew,” Rocket said, winking and that set off Drax all over again.

Gamora put away her blade. “Enough. Peter’s right, we need to-”

“Whoa, watch it!”

The vines, which had fallen lax, began to creep along the ground again. The green blob surged up, shook itself, and quickly slithered away into the woods. 

“I hate this planet.” 

 

“Okay, that is definitely nasty.” Rocket yanked his supply chest out of the green, sticky gunk that covered it. 

“Guess you’re not the most disgusting creature in this galaxy, after all, Peter.”

Peter placed his hands on his hips, taking in the mess in the ship. “You know, I would have been happy not knowing that.” He shuddered as something leaked from the ceiling onto his shoulder. “All right, get this mess cleaned up before it dries and my ship snaps in half.”

Gamora crossed her arms. “You’re helping, Peter. I want off this rock yesterday.”

Peter grimaced. “Believe me, I’m with you, but I need to talk to the witch again.”

“What for?” Rocket hefted his equipment. “You were just there.”

“Yeah well. I didn’t ask her everything I need to know - like how exactly this kid is gonna be born.”

Drax frowned at him. “How could you forget to ask her such an important question?”

Peter nearly launched himself at the idiot. “Forgive me for being too overwhelmed with trauma to ask all the right questions,” he burst out in angry disbelief.

Drax mulled that over, then nodded. “I suppose that is understandable. You are forgiven.”

Groot caught the arm that Peter cocked back to punch Drax on his dense skull. Probably for the best, if he hit Drax on that cro-magnon head of his, he might actually break something important. Like his hand. 

“Just take care of the ship. We’re getting the hell off this planet the second I get back.”

 

Walking up to that narrow front door for a second time the same day made Peter break out in a cold sweat. He was the one lagging behind this time. Drax again had insisted on coming and was walking ahead. The bastard even had a spring in his step. He moved confidently up to the door, but like last time, they didn’t have to knock. 

The witch opened the door with a pleased grin. “So nice to have company again.”

Peter took a discreet, steadying breath following quietly behind her. He took a seat unprompted and downed the tea she put out in front of him wishing it was hundred proof liquor.

“I have some questions,” he got out, finally.

The witch grinned, showing off a set of sharp chompers, and refilled his cup. “I imagine you have many.”

“Peter does not have a vagina,” Drax stated, cutting to the heart of the matter. “Can you give him one?”

Peter spewed tea on the kitchen table. 

Even the witch looked taken aback. “Oh. No, I cannot.” She stared at Peter, speculatively. “You want a-”

“No,” he said, emphatically. “Absolutely not. Ignore everything that green dunce says.”

Drax frowned at him. “What does that mean? What is a dunce?”

“It means you’re strong and brave, okay?”

“Then, yes, I am a very big dunce,” Drax agreed, sitting back with his arms crossed.

The witch coughed. 

Peter leaned forward. “All right, you spewed a lot of lovey-dovey, goodwill crap, but the fact of the matter is that I have a kid inside me with no natural way of getting out. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

The witch winced. “To be fair, some discomfort is to be expected.”

“What level of _discomfort_ are we talking about?”

“Well, the protection spell is the only thing keeping the child incubated within you. In nine months’ time, the spell expires.” She held up a hand to keep him from interrupting. “It means that the magic will fade and the child will phase out of your body. It will go through you, and, as you might imagine …”

“ _Through_ me?” He swallowed. “So, it’ll be like yanking out a knife after being stabbed.”

She shrugged. “I have no experience with being stabbed.”

“No?” he growled. “There’s a first time for everything.”

Drax stood, expression grim. “You made no mention to me about putting Peter’s life in danger. You said he would be safe.” The big man pulled out his blade. “You lied to me.”

The witch went white - as in literally she turned white - eyes wide with fright. “No, no. I didn’t lie!”

Drax stepped forward, eyes intent, and as angry as Peter was he couldn’t let Drax kill her. Hurt her? Maybe. Kill her? No. 

“All right, buddy. Put the knife down. I was kidding - mostly - about stabbing her.”

“She said the spell wouldn’t harm you,” Drax roared and Peter was shocked to see real pain in his eyes. “Peter, I would never have …”

“Whoa, hey.” Peter grasped Drax’s arm. “Hey. I know. I know, Drax.”

“It won’t harm him!’ the witch cried. She clutched at her chest, gasping. “It won’t harm him. You’ll go through some pain, every childbirth involves some pain, just because there’s magic at play does not mean we can circumvent all natural laws.” She reached a shaking hand to Peter. “There will be some pain, Peter, but no worse than women experience. The couples who come to me are only too happy and willing to endure some pain for the joy of conceiving a child. I thought your case was the same.”

“Oh.” Drax put his blade away and took a seat again. “Why didn’t you just say so?” He slapped the witch on the back jovially. “I nearly gutted you,” he crowed. “That will make a good story for our child.”

Lorna stared at him transfixed for long minutes, gradually regaining her coloring. “You are insane,” she whispered.

Peter burst out laughing, long and loud like hadn’t done in weeks, gripping his sides with tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “I tried telling you that the first time we met,” he gasped out.

Lorna nodded. “You have my sincerest apologies for not believing you.”

He gave one last wrung-out chuckle. “Man, lady, I needed that.”

She grinned at him faintly. “I hope I have somewhat set your mind at ease. You and your child are both protected until the birth, then the spell will end. As I said,” she eyed Drax sidelong, “you will have discomfort, but the spell pretty much guarantees your, and the child’s, safety up to the point of birth.”

Peter nodded, shoulders slumping. “Yeah. Knowing that definitely helps.”

“Well, I hope you won’t think me rude, but …” She stood, still a little shaky. “I think it’s been a long day for all of us.”

“Yeah.” Peter stood, hauling Drax up with him. “Hey,” he called as she turned away. “Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t ask for this, but ...” he shrugged. “Thanks.”

Drax placed his hand on Peter’s lower back, possessive and supportive in equal measure.

The witch smiled, the first honest smile he’d seen from her. “I hope you will be very happy together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell yeah! another chapter done!


End file.
